Sometimes I can get a little lost inside my own head. My brain starts into motion and I begin to contemplate life’s many mysteries, things like “If I went back in time and accidently killed my grandfather, would I have ever been born to go back in time and kill my grandfather?”, “The Bush years, what was that all about?”, or “If Justin Bieber were a wine, what wine would he be?” We all do that, right? Okay, it’s just me. Anyway, I don’t think I’m really qualified to speak about the repercussions of time-travel or the Bush Conundrum, but I feel like I have a pretty good handle on Bieber’s wine-nature.
I’m not going to lie, I hadn’t even heard a Justin Bieber song until I recently decided I should find out who the hell this kid was. My search renewed the horror that I have about modern American pop-culture. I guess there has always been a Justin Bieber out there somewhere in the music world, but it’s hard to imagine how this incarnation of mediocrity has captured such a large percentage of the nation’s attention. Even if you exclude the creepiness of grown women listening to a child singing about how he just needs somebody to love, you are still left with an adolescent voice that reeks of puberty and Radio Disney. His sound is mass produced and paper-thin, but I guess you gotta give the kid props for making a chunk of cash at such a young age.
Okay, now I’m going to tone down the thinly veiled (okay, not even remotely veiled) contempt that I have for Bieber and just make a simple side-by-side factual comparison between him and the wine that I have matched him up with.
| Justin Bieber | Mystery Wine | |
|---|---|---|
| Age at Release | A mere child | Barely aged |
| Body Style | Thin and weak | Light bodied |
| Complexity | Non existent | Little complexity |
| Production | Overproduced, but wouldn’t want to hear it in the raw form | Mass produced from bulk fruit |
| Aging Potential | Likely will never be better than he is right now | Likely will never be better than it is right now |
So, what wine is the equivalent of Justin Bieber? Truth be told, there might not be one. At least there is a value argument to be made in favor of the wine that I’ve envisioned. The wine is none other than Two Buck Chuck. The only place that I can find where Bieber and Chuck differ is on the bottom line. At $2-4 a bottle, Charles Shaw isn’t a bad bang for the buck, but there is no price point where Bieber becomes a good value, unless they started paying us to listen to it.
Disclaimer – Please don’t construe this as an actual review of Charles Shaw wine. I have nothing against those who enjoy Two Buck Chuck. I have nothing against people who listen to Justin Bieber either, but all future music opinions will be summarily dismissed.
Let me first say, you’re wonderful and I am in no way trying to be argumentative. Now, I think you don’t understand. Picture a young winemaker, barely 18, without money and without backing and a name. A woman who makes the best she can, instills a “you can be whatever you want” complexity into the heart of a boy. Every person who tastes it thinks it’s nothing, until RP(Usher) puts his very refined palate(ear) to it and says it may be young, but it’s good. Damn good! Good enough to please the masses. And I dare you to see where it ends up in 10 years. Every generation has had a young icon. Justin Bieber has more drive, desire and sheer will, to be great…more than most children of this generation. I applaud him and would compare him to the ’07 Switchback Ridge Petite Sirah. Not for everyone, but unmistakably spectacular in accomplishment!
Thanks for the comment. I guess we can agree to disagree.
I certainly wouldn’t take anything away from Bieber’s accomplishments. The kid has been ridiculously successful. I very seriously doubt, however, that he will still be on the scene in 5 years. He will join the ranks of child prodigy pop stars who burn out when they aren’t as adorable at 20 as they were at 15. I really don’t see the talent that you see in him, but I guess that’s why we all have our own tastes. I could be totally wrong, and I will admit to having a deep seeded contempt for the work of most pop stars. It could be that he will go on to have a long career and be adored by millions, but I see him as being much more in the mold of other flavor of the year stars than a long term thing.
I thought your blog was hysterical! I hadn’t heard of the justin until I saw this so I too can fully appreciate what you’re saying! I can tell you that the video is much funnier since I was running my video speed up program that runs it at 1.4x The moves and sounds were actually funny and interesting at that speed. For a moment, and only a moment, I slowed it down to normal speed and nearly gagged. So while I like your thought process in linking Justin to Charles Shaw wine, or “2 buck chuck” I disagree that he’s worth that much… To me this is more like an introductory closeout item, and he’ll be in the discontinued bin of a store sometime soon… more like Beaujolais Nouveau in year 2.