Sometimes I can get a little lost inside my own head. My brain starts into motion and I begin to contemplate life’s many mysteries, things like “If I went back in time and accidently killed my grandfather, would I have ever been born to go back in time and kill my grandfather?”, “The Bush years, what was that all about?”, or “If Justin Bieber were a wine, what wine would he be?” We all do that, right? Okay, it’s just me. Anyway, I don’t think I’m really qualified to speak about the repercussions of time-travel or the Bush Conundrum, but I feel like I have a pretty good handle on Bieber’s wine-nature.

I’m not going to lie, I hadn’t even heard a Justin Bieber song until I recently decided I should find out who the hell this kid was. My search renewed the horror that I have about modern American pop-culture. I guess there has always been a Justin Bieber out there somewhere in the music world, but it’s hard to imagine how this incarnation of mediocrity has captured such a large percentage of the nation’s attention. Even if you exclude the creepiness of grown women listening to a child singing about how he just needs somebody to love, you are still left with an adolescent voice that reeks of puberty and Radio Disney. His sound is mass produced and paper-thin, but I guess you gotta give the kid props for making a chunk of cash at such a young age.

Okay, now I’m going to tone down the thinly veiled (okay, not even remotely veiled) contempt that I have for Bieber and just make a simple side-by-side factual comparison between him and the wine that I have matched him up with.

Finding Bieber’s Wine Equivalent
Justin Bieber Mystery Wine
Age at Release A mere child Barely aged
Body Style Thin and weak Light bodied
Complexity Non existent Little complexity
Production Overproduced, but wouldn’t want to hear it in the raw form Mass produced from bulk fruit
Aging Potential Likely will never be better than he is right now Likely will never be better than it is right now

So, what wine is the equivalent of Justin Bieber? Truth be told, there might not be one. At least there is a value argument to be made in favor of the wine that I’ve envisioned. The wine is none other than Two Buck Chuck. The only place that I can find where Bieber and Chuck differ is on the bottom line. At $2-4 a bottle, Charles Shaw isn’t a bad bang for the buck, but there is no price point where Bieber becomes a good value, unless they started paying us to listen to it.

Disclaimer – Please don’t construe this as an actual review of Charles Shaw wine. I have nothing against those who enjoy Two Buck Chuck. I have nothing against people who listen to Justin Bieber either, but all future music opinions will be summarily dismissed.