An open letter to my congressman -

Dear Sir,

I am writing this letter to express my concern about our nation's health care.  There have been a lot of plans floating around lately to remedy the obvious shortcomings of the current system.  I think that these courses of action have varying degrees of validity, but I have a plan that would put all of these to shame.  Send every American citizen two cases of wine from a local winery.  The benefits of this plan are too numerous to mention, but I will detail a few here.

  1. Health Benefits – Since this is a health care bill that we are discussing, I would start by pointing out that there have been numerous studies that have demonstrated the health benefits of drinking a glass of wine a day.  The studies suggest that wine can be beneficial in heart health, in fighting cancer, and in erectile dysfunction.  Heck, there is even a study that suggests that it might be helpful in increasing radiation poisoning, which could come in handy if some pissed off foreign country decides to nuke us.
  2. Economic Stimulus for Local Economies – There are a lot of areas of the economy that are struggling, and the wine industry is no exception.  This plan would stimulate the American wine industry, as well as providing a boost to local economies.  Not only would the initial rush of business help out wineries and vineyards, but the exposure to great local wines would create enthusiasm among consumers for their products, leading to future purchases.  See, everybody wins!
  3. Creation of New Jobs – Just think of the jobs that could be created by the development of a Department of Health Through Wine Distribution.  There would have to be a department in each state to administrate the distribution of the wines.  Someone would have to find the local wineries and then manage the purchase of the wines, as well as the actual distribution to the public.  FDR himself would be proud of this new program.
  4. The People Would Love You – Okay, now for the benefit to you personally.  If you were to be known as the person who brought this program to the people, you would never have to worry about re-election again.  Your popularity would be off the charts. 

So, in conclusion, I think that the Bacchus Health Care Plan is just what this country needs.  After all, a happy
populace is a healthy populace…, or is that supposed to be the other
way around?


I.M. Biber